I am at that sick and whiny point where I really just want someone to bring me juice, tell me to go bed and force me to eat some well seasoned, palate pleasing soup. This would be the cue for most people's mother. My mother makes great chicken soup and I think I could convince her at this point to make it for me. BUT my mom happens to be in Vegas.
This has, however, put me in the right frame of mind to talk about Jon. What struck me about Jon's profile the most was his picture. He had the best smile in his picture. Full on, big, giant, toothy grin. He looked happy. He was really cute and honestly, that combined with the down earth sounding profile certainly sounded like he would be a nice date. HOWEVER...when we met it was very clear from the start that the photograph was taken AWHILE ago.
Jon was probably about 50 pounds heavier than his picture. Seriously. Come on. At some point you have to meet the girl who will clearly see that you have gained some weight since then. Not just a few pounds but a significant amount of weight. I am sure that he immediately saw the surprise on my face, but I smiled through it and wasn't sure what to say. It was the only picture he had posted and clearly he didn't look much like that guy anymore. He did have that same great smile though and he was cute. Normally I would have had no problem dating him the way he looked at that present moment, but the bait and switch thing...kinda bugged me.
We small talked for a bit and as the ice broke I finally confronted him about the picture. He mentioned that his mother thought it was nice picture of him. (Mother being the key word and the foreshadowing part of this story.) He also stated he had been working really hard to lose weight to get back to the guy that was in that picture. He genuinely apologized and I pointed out that he was great looking and that it doesn't do him any justice to post a picture like that. Honestly my heart went out to him and we ended going out for a few weeks after I got to know him a bit more on the date.
According to Jon he owned a great home, had a slew of man toys and seemed to have a pretty comfortable life. That is why I was so surprised when I would talk to him to hear that he was staying at his mother's house for the night. It happened. A lot. I even remember saying to him, "Again? Do you ever stay at your own place?" He would just laugh it off.
A few weeks later I went over to his place for the first time. We got take-out and watched a movie. I walked in and could not believe how clean his house was. Like, freakishly clean. Sparkly white, shiny, clean. Clean..clean. Really clean. He immediately asked me to take off my shoes (I guess that's a clean trick) and when I did I noticed a small pair of girl's slippers. I inquired about the slippers and he said, "Oh those are my mom's." She clearly had very tiny feet.
As I walked through his uber clean home, I noticed that he had a house that looked as though Laura Ashley had decorated it. Not exactly the bachelor pad I was expecting. There were fake flowers everywhere. We brought the food in and I asked about what we should drink. He pointed me to the fridge and I opened it and saw a huge stack of Tupperware. In fact, besides Diet Coke, that is ALL that was all that was in the fridge. The man didn't even have hot sauce. On each Tupperware container was a piece of masking tape, with the day of the week and a label that said, breakfast, lunch or dinner. (Oh my.) I grabbed a diet coke and he explained that his mother always made his food for him. (Oh dear.)
After dinner he gave me a tour of the rest of the house and I noticed in almost every major room was a tiny pair of slippers. He showed me his boat, which required us to walk through the laundry room. There stacked on the dryer was beautifully folded clothing, thanks once again to mom. Although really? Why not put it away at this point Jon's Mom? You labeled the Tupperware, but you didn't put away the laundry?! SOMEONE was clearly slacking, while shuffling around in her tiny slippers.
The tour had all but ended, when we passed by another room with the door open. At this point, I had seen all I needed to see, but I really didn't expect this last room. He almost walked by it, which I guess shows some manly pride, but the door was open and I flipped on the light. (It was a tour right?!)
Oh...the Laura Ashley explosion in front of me. Laura Ashley bed. Laura Ashley curtains, fake flowers and tiny slippers right by the entrance. He informed me...it was his mother's room. <Insert "Whaaaaaaaaaat?!" facial expression here> I looked at him and said, "Buuuuuuut.... doesn't your mom live in Clackamas with your Dad?" (aka...the suburb right next to you?!) He nonchalantly replied, "Yeah...but when I don't stay with them, sometimes she stays with me."
I am guessing that if Jon had the cold that I have now, his mother would be there, with her tiny slippers, telling him to get to bed and to eat some soup, from the labeled Tupperware that she had prepared for him.
I broke up with him that night.
